Three

About six weeks ago, Brian and I found out that a third little munchkin was in store for our family. Although we had toyed with the idea of having a third baby, we hadn’t made a firm decision or started trying officially. The positive pregnancy test was a bit of a surprise, made more surprising by the fact I’d been to see my OBGYN for an annual appointment a week prior, and based on how things had been going in my life, they drew blood to check thyroid and hormone levels. It was my doctor’s guess that I still hadn’t ovulated since Kate was born. I took the pregnancy test, not because I had missed a period or because I had any symptoms to speak of. I was following directions from my doctor to rule out that possibility. So much for ruling things out. We found ourselves excited and a little overwhelmed. Three. Man.

At my first appointment, my doc did a sonogram to try to date the pregnancy. There was nothing to see but a small black dot in the midst of the fuzzy white, black, and gray on the computer screen. Instead of coming away from the appointment with a due date, I came away with a request to come back in two weeks because I was either very early into the pregnancy or likely to miscarry. His words were more gentle than that, but the message was the same. I cried.

Over the next two weeks, I did a lot of thinking. Part of me felt guilty for being sad; I kept thinking about how blessed I was to have two healthy little girls and tried to focus on that instead of the possibility—not even the certainty—that I may lose the newest addition to our family. But the more I thought about it and prayed about it, the more I realized that this new baby is more than just adding to a collection; it’s more than just icing on cake, and it most certainly is not simply more of the same. I grew to have a sense of peace about the whole ordeal. I slowly began to, as the saying goes, “Let go and let God.”

At the next appointment, the sonogram revealed healthy development and a tiny little life that was 6 weeks, 3 days old. My due date was assigned to May 23, 2014.

Monday, Brian and I returned to the doctor for our 10-week heartbeat check. The baby’s heartbeat was strong and clear. My doctor told me that based on his assessment, my risk for miscarriage was low, and he’d see me back in four weeks. Feeling relieved and still smiling about the sound of that quick little heartbeat, Brian and I went to go schedule my next appointment. It was then, standing at the appointment desk, seemingly out of nowhere, I started bleeding.

I am grateful the bleeding started while I was still at the doctor’s office. I am grateful Brian was there to be my steadying force. I am grateful, grateful for the way things fell into place. The nurse was able to get me back into a room, and the doctor came in with the sonogram machine for the third time this pregnancy. The sonogram revealed a healthy, typically developing baby and a perfectly normal placenta. Baby seemed to be just fine and away from the source of bleeding. My doctor told me I had every reason to remain optimistic about this pregnancy, but I need to be on bed rest until the bleeding stops. We are hoping that I will only be down for 2-3 days.

This brings us to today—day two of bed rest. Things seem to be improving; the bleeding has nearly stopped. I am hanging in there, feeling okay about things by and large. Although I haven’t been delighted by these circumstances, I am growing ever convinced that God is here and is very much in control. Although I have no guarantees about the rest of this pregnancy, I feel safe, wrapped up, and comforted by the fact that God is unchanging and loves me, and this little squirt, more than I can fathom.