Greener

The whole “grass is greener” thing has really been on my mind lately. Before I was prescribed bed rest for pregnancy complications in late October, I remember telling Brian that the thing I wanted more than anything else for my birthday was a day to do absolutely nothing. I wanted the option of sleeping in until noon, not taking a shower or doing a single chore around the house, and savoring rest and silence. I suppose I should have been careful about voicing that wish. Now, heading into week 6 of bed rest, I have had lots of those days.

There have been days, especially early on, that were rather full of heartache. It has been an adjustment to relinquish so many of my duties as a wife and mom. I still miss being able to pick Kate up and play with her on the floor. I miss watching Anna’s gymnastics and having her help me in the kitchen. I miss picking out my own groceries at the store. I miss seeing the look on Brian’s face when he saw I had cleaned the house for him or made him his favorite meal.

 Admittedly, though, once some of the newness and fear of our present situation wore off, a few of those many days have felt like a welcome break, too. I have enjoyed taking time to rest, to read, to do Bible study and Christmas shop online. It can be nice to not feel pulled in a thousand different directions.

Right now, most days find me stuck somewhere in the middle of those extremes. Our Christmas shopping is done, I’ve read books and done lots of puzzles, I’m fairly caught up with movies, and I am growing weary of staring at a computer screen for assorted entertainment options. I don’t nap much unless my medicine makes me sleepy, and my over-rested body tends to wake up in the middle of the night. I don’t have a horrible ache in the pit of my stomach about my circumstances, but I’m not loving all the down time, either. Overall, I am moderately content and a little restless.

It’s funny to be here in this new neutral. Before, my complaints were that I was overtired, overstimulated and stretched too thin. Now, my complaints revolve around being over-rested, alone and bored. The grass is always greener.

Last night, I dreamed I had been permitted to go back to work on a modified basis. I remember feeling like some sort of rebel walking through the school building without worrying about getting my feet propped up. I had make-up on, my hair was styled, and I felt remarkably human. I went into one of the classrooms I serve armed with a super-cool cooking activity to share with the group. We made chocolate covered Chapstick. Once the waxy stick was properly coated, we cut it up into bite-sized pieces and ate it. Menthol didn’t go over well, but people were relatively receptive of our cherry version. Okay, so the dream de-railed. As I’ve shared in the past, most of my dreams do.

Ultimately, what I am learning is that I wasn’t in a bad place before, but I’m really not in a bad place right now, either. Yes, there is increased stress on my family and on my own mind and body with this complicated pregnancy, but we’re really okay. We have so much to be grateful for! Our little squirt keeps growing, and I am so proud of how my girls have handled all the change. My Brian continues to be the anchor for us all. (I think he’s the one most in need of rest and encouragement at this point.)We have greatly appreciated the support of family and friends who step up to pray for us, shop for us, feed us, clean our home, and take care of our girls. Without those resources, I doubt I could sit here with the same sense of optimism.

Time passes whether I feel purposeful and entertained or useless and bored to tears. Someday, this will all just be a blip in my life’s timeline, a story to tell, one of many testaments to God’s enduring grace.

For now, though, I need to continue to work to appreciate the particular shade of green that colors the grass beneath my feet.  After all, God has proven time and time again that there is provision and beauty there for His children always and in all ways.